Real triple package for Success

 Success=Inheritance+Health+Networking

When I skip Xanax

 

• I can't speak my mind clearly - I wanted to eat durians and moon cakes sometimes but I couldn't voice that out, so my family assumed I didn't like those foods
• I can't make phone calls or answer phone calls
• I can't even type my response to messages from social media
• 
  

My PTSD is worse than 9-11 eye witnesses'

As a scrawny child under the age of 10, i had already experienced almost on a daily basis, life-threatening domestic violence, involving
-Knife
-Cleaver
-Helmet
-Broom
-Dunken fists (despise alcohol to a t)
-Drunken kicks
-Filtheist curse words directed at me
-Desk fan
-Baskets
-Chairs
-Plates
-Bottles
-Scissors
-Shoes
-Loudest shillest diabolical voices
-Countless running for life moments
-Time and time again my folks have let me dowm (6/4/2020) : last night around 10 p.m some extreme obsecene words exchanged, father smashed a bunch of stuff loudly on the kitchen floor, raw fish included, kitchen smells fishy, his voice demonic as could be, mom screamed and shrieked for a whole hour, her voice is very damaged, neighbor knocked on door, i hid in my little room the whole time til after midnight, petrified and severe panic attack, pondering existential points

(May 3,2021) Psychotic sister dropped a small kitten from 3rd floor to the ground, the kitten didn't die, I hate this lowlife sister with unfathomable passion, karma will not forget this

Why my family/household is very different (Postulations on how we got to this state now, why i am unconfident and insecure)

-Both parents and sister are affected with mental illness/ anger issues

-Both parents when the were dating, they were not showing their true selves(due to desperation, true), and after marriage they found out that they're quite incompatible in characters

-Father is extremely violent and vulgar when he gets mad

-Hokkien curse words can be heard daily (been targeted countless times)

-Anger and rage is considered strength

-Dirty sex jokes are made in Hokkien frequently

-Dust bunnies and grime are found in most corners of the house, very unsightly and hard to deal with as we can't afford vacuum cleaner, and i have runny nose problems, only face mask helps

-We were physically emotionally traumatized at a young age, witnessing ear-splitting yelling, fighting, smashing of things, verbal humiliation, threats, silent treatment (cold war) and other mind games (usually it's father not letting mom watch her favorite show on tv, not sharing snacks with her, sighing audibly, sometimes talking bad things about me behind my back but wanted mom to tell me what he said{a lot of Hokkien swear words} etc.).

-Four of us live a small 538 sq ft two-bedroom apartment (since 1999), with one ceiling fan, one bathroom (you can't go number two if washing machine is draining water), cement floor.

-Only father sleeps in bed in a bedroom, while i sleep on a thin mattress on the floor of the living room every night, next to the house door, also where father drinks beer every now and then

-Even the neighbors can't stand the loudness of my family, and one time a neighbor shouts "Ey!" and father gets all panicky and demands mom to stop yelling. Yet, they don't care about me being disturbed when i was doing homework or studying for tests previously in the living room (where the actions took place).

-i don't have a bedroom to hide in, nor a personal study desk to work on things (as of 2018, now i do have my own mahjong table)

-Parents had been brainwashing us that the world outside is much worse and violent than them, and jobs like waiting tables or taking care of a store are ignominious from a young age.

-Knives have to be wrapped in newspaper and be kept away to avoid being used for violence

-Sister follows in the footsteps of father, throwing stuff across the house (scissors, iphone, water bottle), i've also spotted her stealing money from father

-Our house is a small two-bedroom apartment unit with one ceiling fan, and we got two obstinate sloppy adult pack rats, so all areas where their stuff are found look suffocating and unappetizing (rags, random little containers etc. can be found at the dark narrow bottom of the kitchen cabinet), and only my own personal stuff are neatly arranged

-I sit at father's dining table next to the kitchen to use my laptop and learn stuff, and my face gets all oily and full of pimples whenever mom deep fries stuff in the kitchen, suffer!

-We need to eat dinner faster than father, or else we need to wait for 10 minutes to wash our mouth and hands, to avoid being yelled at.

-Sister and I eat/ate dinner in the kitchen where the floor it's always wet and damp, only father eats at a table in the living room, while mom usually eats later than us, she likes to eat on the floor in the living room, and sometimes some rice falls off her plate and this enrages father

-My eating place is next to the toilet, luckily it's very clean

 -Having to go to work on a rainy day has always been a right reason for father to get violent to the family, who in the hell forced this type of gentleman to get married and have a family?

-Believe it or not, father still cares about his looks when he's out, knowing damn well his reputation of wife beater

-Our toilet door,  is basically a ramshackle joke; flush tank not functional, so relatives and guests alike better don't come and want to use it

-Father is a fear-monger-in-chief when he is not throwing tantrums

Eeeeevil hellish people

-Some people in Malaysia that i've met are particularly bad cunning greedy and nasty people. They are Godless. They are lower than a snake's belly.



-There was a woman who was our school van driver (she's moved), she was one of the most evil people we've encountered
-Her van which was small and always super cramped when the kids got on, had faulty air-conditioner, sometimes smelled moldy, literally tortured me throughout my primary school years.
-She let the rich kids have better seats, and i always got a restricted hard and sometimes piping hot space which was right behind the front passenger seat or the rear of the van which was always chockablock in the afternoon.
-I almost suffocated and died on this van of hers countless times, (due to closed windows, reeky interior, limited space to breathe, the searing hot sunlight), and i didn't talk about it until recently, it's a real severe trauma
-She always let me off last (in the evening and later afternoon) due to her house being close to ours, so i had to sit in her van for two hours straight every school day
-Mom and i were once left standing in the torrential rain early morning for an hour under one umbrella, waiting for her van to depart, and later her daughter came out and told us that she was not going to work that day and went back in. We were both rain-drenched thoroughly (with my schoolbag), i cried and a kind elderly neighbor gave us a new umbrella and we went back home. Her irresponsibility and downright heartlessness thwarted all of us unfortunate students from going to school that day.
-In 2007, she broke her leg (karma) and was confined to her house for months. And my mom helped take care of her every morning (cooking instant noodles, washing dishes for her among other stuff) at her house without asking anything in return. It was then that she became nicer toward us.
-I've witnessed her yelling at my friends using harsh demeaning words (me included earlier) and we all loathed her but had no choice to stop this spite
-To top it off, she charged RM80 bucks monthly
-This is how this vile Chinese in Malaysia operated, she created an environment of dependency for their victims, got them by the short hairs and walked all over them and made them suffer

Disecting my dysfunctional family (dedicated to relatives who have no clue)(My parents can't read English)

-I swear by Almighty God that I will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Now put yourself in my shoes.

Uncle/Relatives
-Once chased down the block by my uncle with a knife in his hand

-My uncle and father fought violently before my father met my mom, my father hacked on his bedroom door, intending to kill him with a butcher knife, allegedly

-My mom's side of the family was violent also, she received death threats (after severe arguments) from her third brother, my uncle, who she's now disowned

-Mom's second brother's wife, my aunt, once emptied my grandma's own bedpan (filled with her own piss) onto my grandma's head, allegedly

-Mom's third brother's wife, my aunt, beat my grandma repeatedly violently after a violent argument, allegedly

-Mom and uncle(father's brother) got into intense shouting match after mom accidentally closed the door of his house (that's kinda on crappy auto-lock) with the key inside, after using the bathroom, on one night of grandma's(father's side) funeral, and uncle threatened to hit mom with an iron box.
Uncle threatened to hit my mom with an iron box, on grandma's funeral, due to mom locking his key in his house accidentally!

-Mom was forced into marrying father by her 3rd brother, by threatening to kick her out of the house if she didn't get married, allegedly

-At parents' wedding reception, mom's carnivorous 2nd brother was furious and threatened to hit her due to the food being vegetarian, allegedly


-Third uncle refused to take late grandma to hospital when her illness was worsening not long before she passed away, due to some kind of ongoing contention between grandma and his wife, allegedly. And when mom and father visited her one time, father too refused to take her to hospital (despite mom begging him)for the reason that it's supposed to be grandma's sons' job to do that.

-Mom and uncle(father's brother) got into intense shouting match after mom accidentally closed the door of his house (that's kinda on auto-lock) with the key inside, after using the bathroom, on one night of grandma's(father's side) funeral, and uncle threatened to hit mom with an iron box.

-Mom's 2nd brother challenged father to a physical fight one time, with hammer prepared in the trunk of his car, that didn't happen fortunately.

-Father used to boss my aunt around(like demanded her to go rent tapes for him) when she wasn't married, and even she couldn't stand his angry and finicky ocd behavior, allegedly, but now as she's married money and become rich and happy, she's forgotten all that.


Father
-Has major anger issues at home, overuser of digusting Hokkien curse words (f**k your mom! your mom's stinky c**t! D**k! Go get raped! eat sh*t and s**k d**k, Do you eat sh*t), and his voice is nightmarish to say the least

-No close friends, has only co-worker friends

-Seen as introverted and meek by outsider, but when he's home, he's a furious madman, taking his pentup anger out on mom, yelling "go die!!!/get lost!!!eat shit!!!", his voice is literally hideous

-When i was about 3, father once smashed the Guan Yin's censer on the floor after a violent argument, and afterwards me, mom and sis had to leave that house and go to a friend's house and stay there overnight. Not at all God-fearing/religious, sometimes blames God for his problems

-Fibber whenever he can

-Father never praised us when we did/achieved something good; always ready to tear into us

-Loves to point out to us that other people's kids are way better, when he sees some young people being successful on newspaper (without doing some family background check on them), which i whole-heartedly agree i can't compare (they got immense money &/ warm love, the triple package)

-Father hates mom's loud voice. Father used to smash things(chair, electric fan, helmet) or throw them across the room when they fought

-Had to hide in a fanless room or run out of the house countless times to escape violence from my father (he was brandishing a cleaver, loud as could be)

-Father once poured plates of mom's cooked food down the toilet after an argument with mom

-Hurled a huge plate of rice noodles against the kitchen wall, a neighbor later came and saw this

-Threw late grandma's handmade Zongzis into the trash after an argument, and grandma came with aunt to our house to check on us the next day

-TV (big screen, in a small living area) is used solely by father nowadays at night, to watch his favorite Mandarin shows, and the volume is loud, and no one is allowed to touch the screen

-Obstructed sister from going to school on a SPM national test day due to her having lost a spare house key

-Doesn't have a respect for us and very self-centered at home, wants us to "disappear/go away" after dinner when he wants to wash his mouth

-Loves to ridicule/scorn sister and mom with immensely vitriolic disparaging remarks, like "eat shit, go kill yourself, go jump off the building, go die!, you're a piece of stinking sh**/male/female organ, useless......", "you worth less than RM1" (previously including me)

-Has kicked, punched, stepped on us physically

-Smashed mom's Nokia cellphone to smithereens

-Spat back on mom due to mom unintentionally sprayed spittle when talking /sprinkled water droplets on him when waving her hand

-Threatened to destroy the computer with a helmet

-Extremely foul mouthed and yells in an unnervingly low voice when he gets mad

-Diagnosed with intestinal cancer in 2014, now has recovered

-Threw out a slice of sweet melon i kept in the refrigerator violently

-Threatened us multiple times in 2015 shortly before i went to university in September, that he was going to cut down radically on family's expenditure (daily necessities, grocery, wifi, medicines)

-Used to use my computer at night to search whatever he wanted, when it was newly bought, also nowadays

-Refused to let us participate in school acttivities that required additional fees

-Wants to conceal family problems (public image manager)

-Sighs out loud to get our attention/stress us out, a way of blaming

-Buys lotto ticket once in a while, each time spending about RM12 bucks

-Scares us by saying that if we do certain things he doesn't like out in the public, people would act violently against us (slap, spit, punch, kill, and yes f***)

-Selfish, spends more money on things he likes (big tv[s], expensive shirts, pants, shoes bed mattress, etc) while he refused to buy me computer and laptop (both bought by mom), new matress, and electric fan

-Likes to eat a kind of fish head and have it deep-fried for half an hour, which causes the whole little house to become blistering hot and greasy (we only have one ceiling fan)

-We don't address him as dad

-Wants to break up the friendship of sis and her best friend, for the reasons that it's too costly for her to exchange gifts with that friend since she's unemployed,  and that friend is too unfriendly to still want to take the gift knowing that she is unemployed.

-Threatened(by hinting) to deprive us of daily necessities

-Threatened to massacre all stray cats in our neighborhood "bloodily"(blaming them for sis' madness that he finds intimadating), instigated the shameless maniacal sis (for a moment i felt deeply ashamed and disgusted to think we're actually related) to beat them up, and she did.

-Went through the roof after finding out there's a little scratch mark on his tv screen(which i can't see), and again Hokkien curse words and threats are thrown around everywhere("i wish you were hurt instead of my tv!”, "don't tell anyone this and fuck your mom")(2017.5.14)(I wish my grandaunties, my rich aunty were here)

-When he watches a China Cantonese show called "万家灯火Lights of a Million Households" on tv, which is about intense family dysfunction/disputes and conflicts, and notices that we are watching too behind him, he would quickly change the channel.

-Most dreaded show is probably "Where Are We Going, Dad?", which displays normal happy healthy father-child relationships

-Has threatened to leave us behind multiple times, i wonder why didn't he do it when we were infants

-Likes to deride mom's exes for his own distorted ego

-Wanted to fight mom's second brother (uncle)with a hammer, told mom's sister(aunt) if she were to come here and step on our doorstep, he would hit her with a broom

-Threatens to throw mom's cooking into the trash if they're done after 9 p.m

-Threw a wok with hot soup in it at mom, then a couple of plates and a plastic chair, causing the kitchen floor all greasy and messy, and mom got hurt bad, doesnt wanna call the police, instead she wants to jump off the balcony, and we have to drag her down and try to keep her away from the balcony, that's life and karma sees it. (9.14.2017)

-When mom asks him to buy some drink, he replies "You wanna drink my piss?"

-When mom asks him to buy some everyday things, he replies "Is it free? If not f you"

-Tells us to switch off the kitchen light when washing the dishes after dinner, because he doesn't want neighbors to see his face

-Pushes chair noisily to show anger

-Likes to buy beer/ pork/ chicken, while whining that he's poor

-Never kissed mom and is afraid of saliva

-When he's in good mood, he likes to tease mom by saying stuff that are offensive to her, and she gets mad and starts to retort (involving saying she'd like to get a divorce after 20+years of emotional torture), then he gets raging mad and starts making threats, then quickly chair gets thrown, mom gets injured, mom's blood pressure rises to hazardous level (12.11.2017)

-Likes to say that if our refrigerator/desk fan/washing machine is mishandled, there'll be no replacement when they're broke

-Has the nerve to tell us "someone else has it worse", "treat mom better", lmao

-Very weak midbrain and needs intensive anger management. Loses it easily and acts thoughtless and tactless, ever since i can remember

-Has said that he wants to change and wants us to change or make progress (i sure have), and yet still treats us with contempt and violence, the cycle continues

-Has threatened he can destroy our stuff or give us all only 5 Ringgit a day to eat

-Said "One day i will murder you all" to us, after sis yelled at mom for having eaten her share of roasted chicken

-Made disgusting jokes about his own "balls" with mom and sis

-The only jokes he would make are unfunny violent scare tactics (like he's afraid he might get beheaded or lynched) and of course disgusting jokes about his sexual anatomy

-Denigrated sis saying "All your paintings are worthless" and caused her to scream for minutes,  neighbors were concerned

-Refuses to realize he commited a degree of child abuse, equally abject as child sexual abuse, shut up timely by a PSA on tv about child abuse on Mothers' Day when he was going on about how everybody's children are successful and celebrating

-Threw slices of watermelon into trash after mom unintentionally farted around him, then threatened to throw away catfood that mom kept


Both/ Family/what i'm Against
-Coercers (like saying they've bought me expensive things(laptop, wifi) and implying that i need to pay back in the future, which is reasonable/ like making all kinds of threats with pessimistic undertones)
-Tend to have zero respect for each others' human dignity, it's been showing ever since i can remember
-By and large mentally unstable (bipolar supposedly), control freaks
-Inconsistent/unpredictable with their behaviors/attitudes, sometimes they are good/talk certain ways, sometimes not (mom said she'd avoid interacting with father to avoid future conflicts, yet wanted to seize tv remote control from him to watch her fav show on Sunday; father told sis once to treat mom better cuz she's weaker yet he would throw heavy stuff at mom when enraged; mom said sis' crude sex jokes are really nasty yet later would go along with her......)
-Make caustic remarks at each other all the time
-Are judgmental and talk negatively about people's looks, engage in body shaming, i've been a victim (they said in front of me that monolid people(which i am) are ugly)
-Both parents display high level of jealousy toward others
-Tell a lot of abnormal highly inappropriate sex jokes
-Tell toxic jokes to ridicule, belittle
-It's been more than a decade since both parents slept in the same bed
-Parents overuse fearful negative words daily, words like "die, suicide, out of my way!"
-Parents yell at each other a lot when go out in a car
-Become raging mad easily
-Can really hold grudges (usually against each other)
-Intense conflict/violence (verbal or physical)/urgent situations could break out anytime
-Use silent treatment 
-When talk about the problems of their parenting(taboo), they usually brazenly change the subject nowdays (previously they were maddened)
-Become nice when they find tangible things that make them happy (TV, clothings, internet, DVD, cellphone, windfall)
-Dispute over the lack of plugs/sockets to charge their cellphones/devices, food, bathroom, dust problem
-Sometimes they wish to divorce but can't due to societal, financial reasons (why didn't they do it when we were toddlers or weren't born yet, very very selfish, and now that they have raised psychologically damaged children, they still discuss this in our faces, saying hurtful insensitive bs like "you have them! they are with you! they are your seeds!/ i warn ya i won't pay you any divorce fee!" [totally ignorant of that fact that it's behaviors like this, treating us like items (father talked about selling us to a neighbor) with no human feelings, or worse that had gone on for decades that caused us to be very unusual people])
-Spend a lot of time telling us how much they gave up for us in connection with their unhappiness
-Potty-mouthed (domestically)
-Wished death upon all of us many times
-Like to blame people
-We don't have a family photo, outing etc.



Mom
-Mom overreacts loudly most of the time, yelling at the top of her lungs
-Suffers from bouts of depression
-A little hypochondriac
-Threatened to commit suicide a couple of times
-Threatened to leave the house and seek shelter at one of her sisters' house several times, but i guess she's gonna leave her mountainous stuff behind then
-Was hospitalized once due to severe dizziness
-Loves to splurge on clothings/bags, and borrow money from people (including me) or has even pawned a gold ring for this reason
-Has bags of clothes that dont fit and she wants to mend them herself
-Loves to take in people's unwanted clothes and add to her piles of stuff(same with sis)
-Bemoans having married to father instead of an ex
-Loves to execrate/anathemize her enemies (has even implored heaven)
-Forgetful/unmindful, sometimes she loses keys/money/forgets to turn off tap/that she's cooking water (one time the smell of gas got so strong and we all suddenly realized there's water cooking in the kitchen)/the existence of her old clothes/forgets that she's borrowed money from people (not yet returned)
-Two-faced, for instance talking bad stuff about father in the morning, then talking bad stuff about us to father at night
-Sleeps on the floor instead of father's bed, one word-loveless
-A pack rat, her wardrobe and racks are a huge mess, her stuff are piled up to the ceiling
-Tend to be imagining things or conspiracies
-Experienced voice impairment, after prolonged yelling and screaming
-Loves to tell sob stories to people (including us)
-Always talks about the future prematurely untimely
-Loves to feed stray animals (which i think is good), but does it at 11 p.m, which is insane, and two of the cats constantly poop in the corridor, very painfully stinky, and attracts lice
-Likes to divulge family issues big and small to friends and acquiantances
-Wants us to conceal certain secrets
-Can't take criticism, becomes raging mad and defensive
-When she gets into a fierce argument with father, she likes to ask us to join in and defend her, which i always refuse coz i'm scared and i got other things to do
-Couldn't cook after being abused by father and meals had to be skipped, thankfully i often had instant noodles around
-She threatened that she'll use her blood to curse the family and then commit suicide
-Likes to curse people and say things like "i hope you get run over by a truck", "you need to die", "you will die badly"
-Talks very loudly and can talk long hours
-Has quarreled with multiple neighbors furiously, (sometimes for good reasons)
-Very messy, crams her stuff like plastic bags and papers into cracks that she sees
-Stores her stuff under the chair, outside the armoire, behind the door, very unsightly
-Loves to spend all the money she receives
-Has high blood pressure and stomach problems
-Needs to take various pills daily
-Wishes she's still unmarried and free/ still dating an ex
-Contended with sis for a friend's hand-me downs
-Has a conspiracy than her friend wants bad things for her by giving her hand-me-downs


Sis
-Has dyslexia
-Has been on many kinds of meds
-Had migraine problem
-Angry and violent (mood swings)
-Loves to draw and paint mostly young China actors
-Gawky thus causing problems (stomach ache, head ache, digestion problem, high/low blood pressure)
-Overeats often, likes to eat multiple eggs at night or cook instant noodle at 2 a.m
-Has a big husky body but refuses to help mom take out garbage and wash her own clothes /do chores
-Coffee addict and likes to share it with mom everytime she makes coffee, knowing that her stomach problems make her not suitable to consume it
-Procrastinator (oftentimes)
-Experienced self-harm (banging her head against the wall loudly)
-Very obdurate
-Threatened to jump off the building countless times
-Threatened to burn or destroy important documents
-Forgetful
-Extremely messy
-Loves to use swear words
-Been called crazy and lesbian at school
-Been cussed at by parents almost everyday
-A pack rat, her stuff are a chaotic mess
-Has stolen money from father many times
-On government assistance
-Loves to splurge on clothings/accessories/books/old magazines/snacks/cosmetics; oniomania, can't save money, bought 3 old magazines at RM1 apiece and said "i'll recycle them after reading"; ordered RM600+ worth of cosmetics and does makeup all day
-Spent more than two thousand bucks on buying novels, now she's run of out storage place and wants to give them away
-Yells in an ear-splitting & shirll voice, neurotically unblushingly when gets mad, and makes a huge scene, leads neighbors to laugh at us
-Threatened to kill father with a cleaver after an intense physical fight, then was institutionalized for a few days when her doctor learned about this
-Fought with mom a couple of times, punching her non-stop
-No self-discipline at all, likes to sleep all day(on the floor) and not wor; irresponsible
-Likes to talk senseless/narcissistic stuff
-Attempted to cut her wrist one night after an argument with father and later he took her to hospital
-Has one really close friend whom she chats with every night via social media
-OCD about downloading her innumerable favorite songs (on her ipad day and night)
-She's become very incorrigibly psychopathic lately, shrieking ear-splittingly and beating up mom. (2017.5.9)
-Egged on by father and hurt a few stray cats til they bled, i hate her guts, she's a real cold-blooded psychopath. (2017.5.11)
-She sleeps all day all night, and when she wakes up, she is like a genuine madman causing chaos, yelling and wailing, i am extremely sick and tired of her, the neigbors are too (2017.5.11)
-Hit mom multiple times with water bottle and her fist
-Pawned mom's gold ring to buy a cheongsam now she's outgrown it
-Rips important documents into pieces and smashes stuff when shes mad just like her father's demeanor
-Smashed mom's fav watches into smithereens and fought with her tooth and nail, very scary (2017.8.2)
-Lost it and threw her own iphone across the house after being pressured by mom to download pictures for her, it landed next to father, then father threw it again into the bedroom, then he threatened to "break their heads" if sister can't pay back the money she borrowed from him to buy this iphone, like father like daughter, very weak midbrain (2017.10.10)
-Desperate for a bf, likes to say explicit stuff about men's genitals or worse
-Dug into mom's bag to find money to buy fried chicken
-Threw a fruit out the balcony and almost hit a car
-Spent more than RM100 on buying her painting materials, painted countless giant paintings mostly of China's ancient men
-Stole RM50+ from father (now owes him RM200+), then borrowed RM30 from mom (which mom then borrowed RM100 from me to buy her stuff), to buy ornamental plants, i need help
-Wants to donate all of her novels, all of which amounts to more than RM1000, to make room for hand-me-downs
-Threatened to jump off the building on the first day of CNY, after some arguments with mom about a dress and after father decided not to take her to aunt's house the next day. Neighbors gathered to obstruct her, very embarassing.
-Cut a RM1 bill into halves just to anger mom




Me, the writer
-An Aspie through and through due to genetics/circumstance, with crippling social anxiety which i plan to cure in an ideal university, while working on a degree

-The only English-speaking (receive most education in the family), pescatarian(healthier, (when i say i am poor, i act like it) ) person in the family

-5'6. 110 lbs (when i say i am poor, i act like it, unlike my other family members)

-When depressed, i can only go outside once every few months (when i say i am poor, i act like it, unlike my other family members)

-My stomach has real trouble digesting fatty oily foods (made me throw up, gave me fever, headache, nausea, constipation) so i need to watch out what i eat even more

-Lack self-confidence, self-esteem, still finding (after having met too much bad stupid evil scum/difficulties)

-Highly insecure and self-conscious about many things : money, education, emotional state, family dynamics, no neat and tidy storage area

-Fiscally reliant on father, hence i need to save and scrimp (pillow, mattress, breakfast, prepaid phone card, medication, laptop repair cost, everyday clothes etc, no inessential dispensable stuff (when i say i am poor, i act like it) )

-Threatened by father and sis with no breakfast (Milo)

-Write better than talk due to long period of being friendless, still extremely afraid to pick up a phone

-Was a rather angry agressive little child at home who didn't know compassion, felt immense sense of guilt, but recently after watching some YT videos on ACE & toxic parenting (shoutout particularly to Dr. Nadine Burke Harris & Dr. Allison Jackson Ted Talk, ), i feel liberated

-Been called very hurtful stuff by parents, including "dead ghost child", "good-for-nothing", "worthless/useless", "better off dead", "mofo" etc.

-Fought with my family a lot, caused damage in furniture, resulted in scars

-Humiliated in a restaurant once by mom (i covertly told mom that the Hokkien Noodles was bad, then she yelled out loud at me, and even told the seller that i was a bad kid, all eyes were on me then, and i ran out)

-Never brought any friends home, ever since attending elementary school, (because self-consciousness about my small home)

-Don't have a close friend for a very long time (have huge difficulty forming healthy relationship within my peer group, due to personality disorder)

-Had never lived outside my house for longer than 2 days, prior to 2015 (one time i recall is we spent two nights in aunt's house during cousin's wedding period)

-Growing up the refrigerator was always empty

-Our family has one car, one motorcycle

-I don't have a bedroom that is my own, that's why i'm mentally unhealthy from witnessing all the extreme violence (that none of my peers has ever witnessed) up close

-I sleep on a thin mattress at night, next to the house door(where father likes to drink beer, have to slant the position of the mattress to let mom pass [to avoid her stepping on it] almost every night cuz she wants to go out late to feed the cats; and let father pass in the morning to go to work). Sometimes i get bit by flea(which is horrid) presumably transmitted by a stray cat who likes to hang out outside our house.

-We don't celebrate birthdays ofc (when i say i am poor, i act like it) 

-Never set foot on an airplane or seen a real airport yet

-Never lived in a hotel yet

-We discontinued eating at the same table c.a 2009, i eat in the kitchen near the stove and toilet, only father eats at the living room table

-I've experienced anxiety, depression (existential crisis), inferiority complex, insomnia, self-harm, identity crisis/personality disorder

-I used to feel butterflies in my stomach every single day

-Punched by father til nosebled for defending mom one morning, months before STPM exam, mom took me to hospital by bus

-Still have constant runny/stuffy nose problem (sometimes cough) now though i quit seeing an otorhinolaryngology doctor years ago

-Envied people who came from normal loving, polite/well-off outgoing family

-Used to hide in a fanless room for hours when relatives came to visit, couldn't act happy

-Have a myriad of secrets kept to myself, afraid to share with family, they might use it against me in the future, who knows

-Wasn't encouraged to partake in school activities that we couldn't afford (like camping), which means many (when i say i am poor, i act like it) 

-Afraid to talk when father's around and shows signs of rage

-Currently on medication for anxiety disorders (alprazolam and fluovex, have helped me markedly)

-Like to be alone in a closed fanless room talking to myself

-I don't have a writing desk that is my own, i use the eating table in the living room where father eats, to place my laptop all day (also where i did my homework) (as of 2018, now i do have my own  mahjong table)

-Got my own cellphone and luggage in 2015 (when i say i am poor, i act like it) 

-Don't play any video/online/outdoor games (when i say i am poor, i act like it) 

-My "fight or flight" system has been overtaxed irrefutably, i break into a cold sweat easily

-Tend to overthink; hypersensitive

-Used to be very OCD about downloading stuff endlessly from internet, guilty

-Very OCD about organizing stuff (on computer & in real life), safeguarding personal properties

-I resisted taking medicines prescribed to me when i was in preparatory school, cuz at the time i was still doubtful and thought i was stressed out or just eccentric or shy and timid. I had a negative view toward the issue of mental illnes. I thought the medicines were gonna make me go insane or cause memory loss which is utterly untrue

-Some days my daytime meal (or brunch) consists of just hot cocoa with biscuits, i need to prove i'm not a squanderer! (when i say i am poor, i act like it) 

-Panic attack signs: chilliness, shivers, speechlessness, hiccups, loss of appetite, rapid heartbeat



In School
-I never ate not one time at the school canteen ever since i was in 3rd grade

-I had never once gone to the school bathroom when class is in session, both in primary school and secondary school

-My spine is somewhat hurt by years of carrying big hefty school bags

-I liked to hide in a bathroom stall in high school during recess for a few minutes, this happened throughout 2012, and it continued when i went to a university preparatory school for one and half year

-Bullied by a few evil students, kicked me, punched me in the belly, told me to not sit near them, saying cuz i was ugly, wimpy, awkward, particularly one dark-skinned chinese girl who made my fouth and fifth grade years a living hell

-I used recess time to study and do homework, at whatever place that's convenient

-I talked in low voice with people at school

-I was quiet most of the time

-I liked to talk to myself when i'm stressed out or alone

-I almost never played any sports, but i liked watching people play

-I avoided taking the same path as people i know when walking, and whenever i met them unexpectedly, i got all jittery

-I avoided participating in any competition even if i knew i was capable of winning

-I stuttered when talking to certain people

-I almost never raised my hand in class to ask question

-I became severely nearsighted in 2011 but i didn't want to wear glasses until the beginning 2014